'Jesus died for somebody's sins, but not mine', goes the old Patti Smith song. It would appear that there is quite a queue of people who feel that Jesus not only died for them but he anointed them as his successors on earth.
Just lately we have seen very different ways in which people have attempted to grasp the title of Son of God.
First and in typical style came Michael Jackson who claimed the mantle, with a massive musical extravaganza of dried ice. Both on his video and at the Brit Awards he appeared to be nailed to an invisible cross surrounded by worshipful children. The image didn't go down too well with Pulp's Jarvis Cocker, who decided to protest. To listen to the hullabaloo that followed you would think Cocker had actually attempted the second crucifixion. Instead he chose a form of protest so utterly harmless and trivial that it is doubtful whether the most modernising of trade union modernisers will adopt it as yet another alternative form of protest to old fashioned striking. He wiggled his bottom!
No, sorry, Michael, it doesn't quite work. 'Michael had a bottom wiggled at him for our sins', just doesn't seem the basis for a mass religion. So Michael's claim to being the messiah falls down, which in my opinion is a damn good thing.
Christianity is Eurocentric enough, without the beatification of a black man who seems to spend his whole life trying to be white.
Where then do we look for the modern saviour? Why, to Tony Blair of course. Blair has staked his claim - Christianity is apparently just an old term for 'New Labour'. Heathen Tories need not apply for a pass to get through the gates of the kingdom of heaven. They are doomed to darker, hotter places - which seems only fair.
Blair must surely incorporate all this Christian goodwill into the very fibres of New Labour. So at last a decent replacement can be found for that awful Old Labour song The Red Flag. Instead, to show Labour's commitment to the individual, we can have a Blair solo of 'Jesus Wants Me for a Sunbeam', followed by a rousing communitarian version of 'Onward Christian Modernisers'.
This will certainly be an encouraging start, but there is a lot more work to be done. The man who got rid of Clause Four can surely find loads of scope in an old book like the Bible. First of all he could get rid of all the gospels of Matthew. Matthew was after all a tax collector, and in no way does New Labour/New Christianity want to be associated with taxes.
Nor do I think the marriage feast of Cana has any place in the New Labour bible.
You can't have people going round changing good wholesome water into wine. No, this story should be retold as the wedding feast of Islington, when the saviour saved all potential alcoholics from themselves by turning the wine into water. Indeed I think maybe this story should have a new headline - how about 'Tough On Wine, Tough On The Causes Of Wine'?
Then there is the Old Testament. New Labour is very opposed to old things. Blair could point out that Moses wandered around for decade upon decade with the children of Israel, failing to get anywhere, and that this was just like Old Labour failing to win elections.
There is also the troubling story about the rich man having less chance of entering heaven than a camel getting through the eye of a needle. This is surely an echo of old style class antagonism. It could be modified to read that the rich man has less chance of doing so under a Tory government, but under a New Labour regime he could stroll through, because heaven will not be open to special interests but to all.
The widow's mite could be updated to be the widow's minimum wage. The amount may be no different, but the title will be. Then there is the problem of Thatcher stealing the Good Samaritan story. Blair can reclaim it with confidence, retitling it the good press baron: 'And so it is told that as Labour lay bloody and beaten at the side of the road, there came by a number of press barons that looked the other way, but then came a press baron from the land of the pouched animal and XXXX lager who took pity on Labour, and offered it comfort and succour, and took its leader into his home and fed and watered him till he was quite ready to lead his party to election victory.' Of course like all of Jesus's parables this will be an invented story, with little basis in fact, but I think it works.
We could rewrite the story of Jesus's conception. Mary, a single mother, was visited by the lord and was with child, and as she lay in a stable three wise persons did come. The first was the man known as Straw, and he did warn, 'This infant is special. Let him not linger on street corners where junctions meet, with bucket and sponge to wash down donkeys and camels, for such people are a pestilence on the land.'
The second was the wise woman known to all as Harriet, and she advised, 'Let this future king of all men be educated away from the mass of dirty and smelly children, who deserving though they be can only hinder your child's opportunities.'
Thirdly came the man known as Mandelson and he spake thus: 'Marry Joseph and the state will give you £5,000, marry him not and you will set a wretched example of the breakdown of family life and he will surely come to a thorny end.'
Yes, I think Tony may have cornered the Christian market quite successfully.