Issue 237 of SOCIALIST REVIEW Published January 2000 Copyright © Socialist Review
Tony Blair takes the game show hot seat. Pat Stack looks on
Chris Tarrant: Welcome to this special millennium edition of Who Wants to be a Millionaire? and our first contestant tonight, is Tony Blair. Welcome Tony, and tell us, what will you do if you win £1 million tonight?
Tony Blair: Well Chris, my wife is pregnant so, planning ahead, I'd like to buy my own private school, as much of Tuscany as I can, and give what's left to my friend Peter so he can buy himself a nice big house.
CT: Well, good luck. Here's your first question. Which party is currently in government in Britain?
TB: I'll go for a), Chris.
CT: You've won £100.
b) Mo Mowlam
c) Peter Mandelson
d) Gerry Adams
TB: That's easy--c), Peter Mandelson.
CT: You're sure?
CT: You've won £1,000. Now the questions get harder, Tony. But remember you have three lifelines. Now, for £50,000, tell us which of the following dictators is, or was, truly loved by his people and a great humanitarian?
b) Deng Xiaoping
c) Slobodan Milosevic
d) Saddam Hussein
TB: Well, it's got to be b), Chris.
CT: Congratulations. You've won £50,000. Now, for £250,000, please answer the following. Which is judged to be the safest?
b) British beef
c) The rhythm method
d) John Prescott's job
TB: I think I know, Chris. I think it's b), British beef.
CT: Are you sure? Not d), John Prescott? You could take away £50,000. You've still got three lives left.
TB: No, I'm sticking with b).
CT: You had £50,000...you've now got £250,000. Phew, I don't know about you, but I'm getting nervous. Now, for half a million quid, tell me which of the following has no part to play in an ethical foreign policy?
b) Raining bombs on Belgrade
c) Lunching with Chinese leaders
d) Scrapping all arms sales to dictators
TB: Ooh, that was easier then I expected. Definitely d).
CT: You've just won yourself half a million, mate. Now let's move on. For £650,000, which of the following would a caring chancellor with an unexpected surplus running into billions choose to spend it on?
c) The health service
d) Tax cuts for the rich
TB: I'm 98 percent certain I know the answer to this but I'm going to phone a friend just to be sure.
CT: Who's the friend?
CT: And what does Margaret do for a living?
TB: She makes speeches to wealthy Americans and drinks lots of whisky.
CT: Hello Margaret, this is Chris Tarrant. I'm with Tony Blair and he wants your help to get £650,000.
TB: Margaret, should a government spend money on?
b) The aged
c) The sick
d) The rich
MT: Definitely d), Tony.
TB: You're quite sure, Margaret?
TB: I'll go with Margaret. She's never wrong, and I thought it was d) myself anyway.
CT: Margaret has just helped you win £650,000. Look, here's the cheque with your name on it. But I don't want to give you that, I want to give you £800,000.
Now, here is the question that will win you that money. Which of the following deserve to be honoured for the hardship they've suffered?
b) The Birmingham Six
c) The RUC
d) Asylum seekers
TB: Oh, definitely c), Chris.
CT: Tony Blair, you are now one step away from being a millionaire. How do you feel?
TB: I'm feeling confident Chris. I think I'm a winner.
CT: Good, Tony. Well, you've still got two lives left--you've got 50/50, and you can ask the audience. And remember, whatever happens you leave here with the bus fare home. So here goes. Of the following four, who would most Londoners like to see as mayor?
b) Ken Livingstone
c) Richard Branson
d) Jeffrey Archer
TB: Ooh, Chris. Gosh, yes. Well, I know it's either a) or c), but I'm not sure which. I'd better go 50/50, Chris.
CT: Good job you did, Tony. You'd have lost everything because you're left with either b) Ken Livingstone, or d) Jeffrey Archer.
TB: Oh bugger. I wasn't expecting that. Oh crikey. I'd better ask the audience.
CT: Come on audience, help this man become a millionaire. Press your keypads, saying either b) or d).
Well Tony, I think the audience may have helped you here, but it's entirely up to you--99 percent say Ken Livingstone, and a woman called Mary there in the second row says Jeffrey Archer. Now Tony, do you trust our audience?
TB: I must say, Mary looks jolly fragrant, and no, I don't trust the others. They're rather shabbily dressed and not 'on message'. No, I'm with Mary. It's d), Jeffrey Archer.
CT: Sure? Not Ken Livingstone? Tony Blair, you came here tonight full of promise, you've sailed through the questions, and now...you leave here a complete loser. The answer was b).
I'd like to buy a private school and as much of Tuscany as I can