Xmas greetings from the rich and famous delivered by Pat Stack
Stack on the back is planning a bonanza Xmas this year, and therefore has been looking for a bit of work on the side. Luckily I have managed to find a position writing Xmas card greetings for the rich and famous, and I thought you would like to know what you would be reading if one of them were sending you a card. Thankfully none of them will, but here goes.
Tony Blair, prime minister
The holly and the ivy and the running of the deer; Oh what fun it is at Xmas time to spread misery and fear.
Oh George Dubya's in charge, he's got such gravitas; But what better fun at Xmas time than to be kissin' his ass.
Oh I'm such a statesmen, spreading war around the earth; I'm another Winston Churchill, although I lack his girth.
The dilemma it is moral, as I told my wife; But now I am quite used to it, spreading terror and strife.
I am a true peacemaker, my talent it does thrill;
Eloquently ordering others to go out there and kill.
Iain Duncan Smith, leader of something or other
While shepherds watch their flock by night, all seated on the ground; They will all be penniless if we don't save the pound.
Gerry Adams, leader of Sinn Fein
Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way; Oh what fun it is to pack all my guns away.
Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
Xmas time, mistletoe and wine; Fortnum and Masons bring me mine; I know you pay for it and think me a leech; But I do have to make that Xmas speech.
Xmas time, mistletoe and whine; Charles wants to make the speech next time; But I'll never let him, you need have no fear; For I like to drone on, year after year.
Xmas time, mistletoe and wine; I hear the poor are doing fine; if they need shelter, the cold they can't take; Book into a hotel, and let them eat cake.
George W Bush, President of the US
And so this is Xmas, and look what I've done; Bombed lots of innocents, and I've only just begun.
And so to more bombing, I'm becoming a fan; Next time it's Baghdad, or just maybe Iran.
So a very merry Xmas, and a happy new year; My B-52s will keep spreading cheer.
David Blunkett, home secretary
Away in a prison, no need for a trial; If you look a bit foreign, or your name's on a file.
The prisons are filling, well throw away the key; And when we've done jailing, we will be truly free.
We did it in Ireland, and that went OK; Although many more people then joined the IRA.
World Bank, IMF, WTO
We three kings of capital are; Proud to drive in our armoured car; Protest festers, so kill protesters; Keep them out of Genoa.
Sweatshops are a Christian thing; They make profit which is king; Protest-ban it, sod the planet;
Get into the capital swing.
Ian Paisley, bigot
I'm dreaming of an Orange Xmas; just like the ones we used to know; Where the Falls Road shivers, while the Order delivers; A good hard beating in the snow.
I'm dreaming of an Orange Xmas; When every Catholic had no rights; May we bring back Stormont, and render peace dormant; And bring back those good old pogrom nights.
Lord George Robertson, Nato
You better watch out, you better not cry; You better watch out, I'm telling you why; The insanity clause is coming tonight.
We fight wars for peace, and wars to end war; Even though you know we've done it all before; The insanity clause is coming tonight.
We produce dust from rubble; We claim there is a point; We are only stopping trouble; First we must wreck the joint.
Oh you better watch out, and do not complain; Or we'll leave you to shout under our hard rain; Yes the insanity clause is coming; The insanity clause is coming, The insanity clause is coming, tonight.
Not in our name, you don't!