Issue 273 of SOCIALIST REVIEW Published April 2003 Copyright © Socialist Review
The trial of the century is under way. Pat Stack views the evidence
A major scandal has broken out with allegations that a recent winner of the £1 million prize on the popular quiz show Who Wants to be a Warmonger? was cheating. Mr Justice Mosley-Mitford heard how the contestant, a Mr T Blair, looked tired, evasive and strained after his success.
The producers of the show later viewed a tape and found that there was a strange coughing routine coming from the audience. 'It was a very strange sound,' said host Chris Tarrant, 'like someone choking on a pretzel.' It turned out to be a weird looking American called Dubya, who is said to be a friend of Blair's, and who is also being prosecuted.
Below we exclusively reveal a transcript of the tape which has caused all the fuss.
Chris Tarrant (CT): For £8,000, how do you envisage dead Iraqi civilians enjoying their newfound freedom? Is it:
Tony Blair (TB): It's D, Chris.
CT: Well done. Now, for £16,000, why is a French veto at the UN an unreasonable one when 70-plus vetoes used by the US are perfectly reasonable? Is it because:
TB: Pretty sure it's C, Chris.
CT: Excellent--you're doing really well here. Now, for £32,000, and remember get this right and you get to keep it no matter what. How has a Labour prime minister ended up in bed with the most right wing US president ever, the most right wing Spanish PM since Franco, and the most right wing Italian regime since Mussolini?
TB: It's D, Chris.
CT: Good. Now, for £64,000, what exactly is the link between Iraq and Al Qaida?
TB: It's A. Chris all fanatics!
CT: Excellent. Now the money gets serious so take your time. For £125,000, can you tell tell me why, when the massacre of Kurds took place at Halabja in 1988, you failed to support any of the early day motions condemning Saddam? Is it:
TB: It's C Chris.
CT: Very good. For £250,000, can you tell me how do you prove you haven't got weapons of mass destruction if you haven't got them?
TB: I'd like to phone a friend please--Jose Maria Aznar--he's from Spain.
CT: Sure. (He reads choices to Aznar.)
JMA: Eeetsa C, Tony.
TB: You sure?
TB: I'll go with that.
The prosecution maintains that this phone a friend was all part of the charade.
CT: Excellent. You are just two questions away, and you still have two lifelines. Now, for half a million, who is the most evil man in the world today? Is it:
TB: (Contestant looks genuinely worried for first time, heavy sweat in underarm area.) Ah, I know it's either A or D. Can I go fifty-fifty?
CT: Yes, and we are actually left with A or B.
TB: Phew, definitely A then, Chris.
CT: Excellent. And now, for £1 million: It has often been said that you are oily. Is this why you are so keen for people to die for oil?
CT: Remember you still have a lifeline. You can ask the audience.
TB: God, no, why would I do that? It's D, Chris.
CT: Congratulations, you have won a million pounds, and who knows, with a bit of luck you may also be responsible for a million deaths.